Partners in the garden
If you need some great garden reading and images to get you through winter, go visit the Wisconsin blog Each Little World and click on the category My Garden Odyssey in the left sidebar. Linda writes and her husband, Mark, takes the photos for Each Little World, and they’ve also teamed up to make two gardens together. Linda documents the process of their gardens’ creation in a weekly series of posts.
Their designs are beautiful and creative, but what’s really great about the posts is Linda’s engaging walk-through of the decisions they made, construction details, and planting choices. Plus, she clearly conveys the enthusiasm—no, obsession—to create a garden that inspires them both. This is great reading for the planning time of year. (It’s actually the planting time of year here in Austin, but never mind.)
I’ve always gardened solo, and generally I’m grateful not to have to accommodate a partner’s vision for the garden. But at the same time, I’ve often wished my husband shared my enthusiasm for a lovely new plant or viewed my latest design idea as something more than work he might get roped into. So I’m particularly intrigued to see how Linda and Mark work together, compromising as necessary to merge separate visions into one, and putting their unique talents to work together.
Which makes me wonder: Who else out there is making a garden equally with a partner? What makes it work (or not work) to the satisfaction of both? Does one person end up constructing the hardscaping while the other chooses and tends the plants? Do you divide the garden into separate his-and-hers (or his-and-his or hers-and-hers) sections, with a line drawn down the middle? I’m curious!
“American Gothic” by Grant Wood
Updated on 1/7/09: I have been reading your comments with fascination. Those of you who garden alone, with or without supportive partners or under-gardeners, are far and away the majority by more than two to one. Of these soloists, most sound happy to be in control, but a few wistfully long for a companion who shares the love of the garden. The minority who fully share garden design and maintenance with their partners admit to compromises, but, boy, they sound like a happy bunch. I’m a little envious.
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your experiences! If you’ve just arrived, I’d still like to know how it works in your garden. —Pam
All material © 2006-2009 by Pam Penick for Digging. Unauthorized reproduction prohibited.
Wow! Pam, thanks so much for this kind gesture. I will say there are days when both of us wish we did not have to take anyone else’s wishes and taste into consideration. But in the long run we have a better garden as a result of shared choices.
The Wisconsin Hardy Plant Society (we’re both members) includes a number of gardening couples, but we are not the norm. Sharing such a strong interest means we both brake for plant sales and can always be talked into touring a garden on vacation. More often than not, our vacation is a tour of gardens elsewhere!
Thanks again!
Oh, it would be interesting to have an equally interested partner in the yard. My hubbie makes occasional suggestions, but mostly I’m happy to plan the yard myself. His main hope is that we have lots of hostas eventually. Are hostas more manly since they’re grown for their leaves instead of flowers? Anyhow, I think I have the best set-up: a partner who’s willing to help with the heavy lifting/pickaxing projects but who lets me do the dreaming and directing.
Pam, I really don’t know how you moved all that stone for the Whale’s new home back in Nov. I would have been stuck in bed with back spasms! Good for you, strong woman. Regards, VW
Hi Pam, great job in helping us with some winter diversion, even if it is planting time in Austin. In the beginning The Financier was a no hands on silent partner. Over the years his interest has grown and he now is a willing participant as the brawn behind the brains, me. He has learned the names of most of the plants and has offered a few ideas for hardscape type things of his own. While not a full partner just yet, he is learning and wants to learn more. It makes life for both of us much better.
Hi Pam. My Garden Man is like Frances’ Financier. He’s not there yet, but he gets a little closer every year. He is most certainly the brawn and I’m the planner, but he does get involved in the planning from time to time, especially if it involves structure or hardscaping. He’s learning all the plant names, and shows a real interest. He even adopts daylilies like some kids pick up strays. He also has a favorite plant – Krossa Regal Hosta. I’d have to say my best times in the garden are the ones when he’s working beside me or just a short glance away.
I’ve always been a gardener and it was in Jamie’s blood, he just didn’t know it. We work together as a perfect team. We never buy a plant unless we both agree we want it. We do equal amounts of physical labor and planning, but I tend to be just a tiny bit more obsessed about it. Our energies blend together perfectly in the garden and for the most part we can work side by side knowing exactly what the other needs or thinks with out even speaking a word. We are extremely fluid and we work with speed and accuracy. But, we are fortunate enough to be the same way with just about everything in our lives.
Partnering here depends on the project. Most times my wife is hands-off the garden. If here’s a project I’m intent on and she’s lukewarm about, like lighting, sound system, espaliering, trellis-building, or planting, she’s hands off. If it’s something I come up with that she can contribute to, like helping to lay patio bricks, sewing outdoor curtains, or choosing what vegetables to plant (she’s the cooker in our house), she’s all in. We both water, weed & otherwise maintain. So I’d say we’re a team, but if asked who does the gardening, we’d both say I do.
The other, bigger part, of my gardening life is being president of the largest garden tour in the US, Garden Walk Buffalo (more than 300 urban gardens, Sat & Sun, July 25 & 26!). Even though that’s a one-weekend event, it is year round work. She’s also extremely supportive of that, accommodating my Walk-related commitments of meetings, weekends of press kit making, evening hours of creating emailed newsletters, fundraising and hosting meetings and press events at our home. She’s sat information tables at events, stuffed envelopes, collated mailings and sold merchandise. THAT’s a partner!
Pam, I too have been grateful not to have to accommodate someone else’s design needs! But, it would be nice to have some interest from Mr I…who in the 28 years we’ve been married has only helped when I have drug him kicking and screaming into a project! he is completely supportive of what i do in the garden and often has thanked me for making it enjoyable from the porch. I deeply appreciate that he has never gotten into the grass/lawn thing that consumes several guy friends! gail
My situation would be more like Gail’s. My hubby is not an outdoors person and has no interest in gardening, although he seems to appreciate the view and the increased privacy. I’d love it if he were more hands on and available when I needed the physical labor done.
At Bliss there is a gardener and an under-gardener and that suits us just fine. 😉
A Blissful New Year to you and yours, Pam!
The Musician and I are a team and becoming more so since he’s now retired, too. Our grown sons (when visiting) even get involved when there’s a hardscape project to do. They all appreciate and enjoy the gardens. We’ve all worked as a team to build a patio, stepping stones and the dry stream.
I’m the plant person, but the Musician is an enthusiastic supporter with maintaining the water feature, weeding, heavy-lifting and mulching. While his career was in technology, he also has degrees in wildlife and forestry, so he’s quite the outdoorsman.
Cameron
If my husband actually decided to garden we would definitely have his and hers. As a matter of fact since he retired he helps me a LOT in the garden. When he starts with his unsolicited advice or gripes about what I am doing I point him in the direction of the front garden where I don’t like to garden and tell him to go at it. He hasn’t as yet. Our front garden needs some TLC and a lot of it but he hasn’t taken up the spade yet.
My husband and I are completely in it together. We share all aspects of the garden. Sure, he does most of the heavy lifting and carpentry and building, but I get involved as much as I can. We don’t always agree about the design or approach, but we do always find a workable compromise. We share a similar vision for our farm and gardens, which makes the journey more smooth. I feel extremely lucky to share my love of growing, gardening, landscaping, and cooking with my husband.
Umm, I’d say it’s a miracle my husband and I are still married, and neither has attempted murder. He LOVES to buy plants, but refuses to read labels, do any research, do any planning, or any maintenance. He buys anything that’s pretty, then plants it in the middle of a bunch of weedy grass. I studied horticulture, and make him insane because I may take months to decide on the perfect plant for a particular spot. Usually, we can laugh about it though. (Except for the time he pruned all my shrubs into lollipops)
We have a great system after all these years. for example, I did a big clean-up of the garden over the weekend. Lots of work,but Ric came down and sat on the bench and kept me company, which was very companionable. Our cat, Isis, came and got into the fun,hopping about and climbing the bushes. The best of all was I had a wonderful beef stew made all day while I worked to enjoy and the end of the day( after a shower…I was covered in mud). I plant strawberries and olallie berries and Ric eats them when ripe. Everyone is happy!
I haven’t had chance to look at the blog yet but wanted to give you feedback on how things work here- to perfection. Not the garden but the partnership. I am basically the designer and when we first started we worked together on the hardscape. Then as I was taken up with planting and caring D started working alone. I would suggest a project and he would perform and boy does he do a good job! He stays on task until the job is finished. He has nothing to do with plants other than to take them out which he also likes doing. Especially when they get overgrown. I came to look for some ideas for new planting in the spring as I know how good you are at picking perennials for Austin. I was going to scroll back though the year and jot down some notes but I will also go to Each Little World. That day lily is gorgeous. Thanks for the link.
I’ve often said that my husband’s idea of the outdoors is what he sees from the car into the hospital where he is a psychiatrist. He does not care for the garden, yard, etc. He makes no decisions about it. So I have a guy mow one side, where there’s grass. And I take care of the other. Sometimes I yearn for a gardening “partner.” But then, I might resent the loss of total solitude!
Brenda
How interesting – I’ll have to check that out. I’m with Yolanda — we have a gardener and an under-gardener and that’s the best. My husband and I are too much alike to tackle many things completely together. In the kitchen, we’ve learned to take on the chef and sous chef roles according to whose meal/project it is and we work really hard not to step on each other’s toes or stir each other’s pots! I shudder to think of not having my garden to myself! But he is a big help when I ask and he loved to use a chainsaw!
When my wife and I shacked up before we were married, she was the window box – balconey garden queen. Now that we have been married almost 20 years, she lets me have complete control of the outside, but she only has one restriction – do not plant any boxwoods. However, I have planted two boxwoods, one that has no fragrance/aroma/stink and one that is so fastigate that she would not recognize it as one. This arrangement works fine for us.
I’ll check out their blog – thanks for the link Pam!
My Lawn Man’s nickname speaks for itself. He doesn’t garden, but is very supportive (in every way,) of my passion and clearly enjoys how great our yard looks and the compliments from his friends when they visit. We spend a LOT of time outside. He recognizes and appreciates my efforts.
I’m glad to have free reign over what and where to plant. He will make suggestions on the where if I ask, and his input has actually been very helpful, especially since I don’t really have a design plan here.
He takes care of the lawn, I take care of the garden. To me that’s a match made in heaven.
Romie and I work in the garden together, although I spend more time doing it. Our neighbor said to us a few years ago, when we were creating Max’s Garden, “You two don’t know how much I envy the two of you – working together in your gardens.” I was sad for him, but happy that Romie and I work so well together and enjoy it.
I had to laugh at your American Gothic photo. Do you remember my American Gothic post from August 2007? I’m not sure you were reading Our Little Acre yet then. I get so many comments still, on our photo, because it’s also in a book I had made with Shutterfly that features ten of my favorite blog posts.
I do want to say though, that Romie has been known to roll his eyes at me when I say to him, “Honey, I’ve got an idea…” LOL
My first response was to say I garden by myself… but it wouldn’t be true. I have many older individuals who stop by the garden to admire mine or share how they raised their garden
Hi Pam
We are two wilde garderner, bouth of us. In the begining we have some wild discutions so we make two different gardens one MRgarden and one Mrsgarden as we colled them.
Now we are more “frendely” so we have the garden whith grrat sucsess, so great thet we winn a price as you allready now.
It is a nice feeleng when you are two that can enjoy such thing as a garden bouth with the work and for relaxing.
Litle late but we wich you a Happy new year.
Ken
I like the partners that mow the tiny patch of lawn and blow the walkways before a party in the garden! Otherwise, they leave the rest up to me….my very own play pen…
I wish my hubby helped me some in the garden or at least wanted to stroll through it with me from time to time.
Um, no. We haven’t seemed to figure out that part of the marriage yet. There are things we do great together, like weed the veggie patch in spring and plant seeds in rows, and my man is a one-man machine when it comes to turning compost, raking and shredding leaves, and carrying lots and lots of rocks. But then there was my wall. His idea of turning stones on their narrow ends (so as to make the most of their surface area) was just wrong! (There’s a reason there are a billion stacked rock walls around here.) So it’s my wall, and except for the (huge) help getting rocks to our house, I made the plan and laid the stone–to my liking. But he’s great at helping with lots of things I know he’d rather not be doing, and he heaps lots of praise on me about the garden. I do notice that the year-round weeding is my chore, so I’ll take the credit 😉 But I hope as we keep going that it will become more ours (the wall, though, I’m keeping).
Gardening is my time alone – and I think that may be one of my favorite things about gardening! so I don’t think I want my hubbie to get the gardening bug – it would decrease the “zen” in “Paradise”. But more power to couples who are willing to share . . . Mary Beth
I have been reading your comments with fascination. Those of you who garden alone, with or without supportive partners or under-gardeners, are far and away the majority by more than two to one. Of these soloists, most sound happy to be in control, but a few wistfully long for a companion who shares the love of the garden. The minority who fully share garden design and maintenance with their partners admit to compromises, but, boy, they sound like a happy bunch. I’m a little envious.
Thanks, everyone, for sharing your experiences! If you’ve just arrived, I’d still like to know how it works in your garden. —Pam
I began to answer, but then I realized it would be a good post for my own blog. 🙂
(Soon, soon…)
My husband could care less about plants,especially cacti, and after all these years, he still doesn’t remember the difference between a Mesquite and Palo Verde. However, he’s helpful with pruning, irrigation emitters, building things around the garden, and even weeding. This time of year I usually weed alone as he doesn’t know the difference between a weed and the emerging California Poppies, no matter how many times I explain. Left to his own devices, he’d just spray the whole yard with Roundup. I don’t mind his disinteret–I certainly don’t want to learn a thing about bass fishing, so we’re even!
Aiyana
Hi Pam, I’ve always gardened solo. When I was married, my husband had no interest in gardening, and he wasn’t great with heavy lifting, either. Fortunately, I’m good at both. For me, gardening is very personal, very contemplative, and therapeutic, kind of like meditation, and even kind of spiritual. So it suits me to do it alone. In fact, once in a blue moon when I do some volunteer gardening at a work day, all the other ladies tend to say how nice it is to save “someone to talk to” when working, and the honest truth is, I find that entirely distracting. I do enjoy company when visiting gardens, and I do love talking about gardening with others, but I truly prefer to garden solo. Thanks for posing the interesting question.
Philo and I started out poking seeds of peas and sunflowers into the soil around student housing in South Carolina 40+ years ago. He does more with structure, root removal and vegetables… I do more research, weeding and perennials, but it’s always been a partnership.
Some of my ideas have been pretty wacky and/or impractical. They would have been disasters if I tried to implement them but being married to someone who knows engineering and the laws of physics saved me!
Annie at the Transplantable Rose
Josh is just as interested in the garden as I am, but we are also equally ignorant 😉 He has more imagination and creativity when it comes to hardscaping (as well as the brawn to carry it out). I’m more into researching plants and actually doing the planting. But we are both very committed to having a lovely and inviting garden one day and our vision is very much the same. I think we’re a good team and I believe that with time we’ll get there.
I have a similar situation to yours Pam. When I mention new projects for the garden, my husband just thinks it means more work for him. Not that he does all the work out there. But I’m not ashamed to admit I need his muscle for a few things. In general I’m very happy to set the vision for the garden myself. And I’m happy that my husband appreciates its beauty. We enjoy sitting on the deck and just looking at how nice everything looks, knowing that we both played a big hand in it.
I’m a little late to the conversation, Pam, but I have quasi-help in the form of my Long Suffering Spouse (he’s even called that in my columns). He does help with some stuff, particularly heavier efforts, and he mows the grass and uses the string trimmer around the edges of things. He’s also very handy at building lawn chairs, birdfeeders/houses, arbours, obelisks and other garden accessories made with wood. Plus while I’m convalescing, he’s a very good housekeeper/cook/laundry maid/nursemaid to his cranky wife. So he’s a jewel in so many ways. He doesn’t weed, but that’s not a big deal…;-)
I miss my gardening partner, my husband, who died in 2006. He was the one got me hooked on gardening, and he is the one who dug out the caliche to lay down an 85 ft brick pathway (all by hand) flanked by two garden beds specifically for ME to garden in.
We didn’t always work side by side in the yard, but we usually respected each others gardening and would discuss various projects and plants.
I can remember 🙂 telling him to plant salvias on HIS side of the yard because I didn’t want any on MINE only to eat crow later when neighbors came over and complimented him on how lovely his garden bed looked with his salvias all in bloom.
I also miss my husband’s brawn. Recently, I had to roll a concrete sundial pedestal uphill because I wasn’t strong enough to pick it up myself. Sometimes I have to ask my neighbor to move stuff for me because I don’t have the strength to do it.
Now I’m the head gardener, and I find it lonely gardening alone.
I do all the planning, digging, grass-tearing-out, seed-starting, planting, pruning, and upkeep. I really kinda like it that way though – I tend to be a bit bossy and this way I get to do whatever I like 😉 My significant other DOES help me dig out grass sometimes, and he does mow the lawn, and he does seem to enjoy the garden – OH! and he pounds stakes into the ground for me when the ground is too hard for me to do it, but that pretty much covers it. He feigns interest in my garden and will go plant shopping with me if I force him 😉 But that is why I started a Garden Blog – So I can talk myself silly about gardening to the cosmos and if anyone is interested they can talk back!
What a great question, Pam. Here, at Ledge and Gardens, my husband is, as you know, The Equipment Manager. Any project requiring a tractor, backhoe, power equipment of any kind or just brute strength is embraced by him. He will also do an initial raking of the beds in spring given the scope of the garden. Other than that, plants are entirely my passion. I love the hands on gardening and prefer the wheelbarrow to the bucket of the tractor for spreading mulch or compost. It has taken many years to carve the garden out of woodland and I can remember begging for the chain saw to take down some white pines. I think we do both enjoy the ‘haven’ we have created together.
My hubby Simon is a retired mechanical engineer and I’ve often taken advantage of his talents in our garden. Thus far, he’s built a deck ,pergola and a surround for our fish pond. He also accompanies me on garden design consultations and does a superb scale drawing of the property which saves a lot of my time.
He is the tender of the fishpond but is not permitted to touch anything else in the garden since he killed a few shrubs by pruning them ( without permission of the chief gardener ) too hard at the wrong time of the year.
He doesn’t have a great appreciation or understanding of gardening. Engineers, I’m convinced, don’t have brains like the rest of us. I think that if we could look inside their head we’d see little wheels turning. He’d be perfectly happy to turn the entire backyard into a vegetable patch which in his mind would be very practical. But of course if he had to care of it that would be a different story.
He does enjoy sitting out in the pergola that overlooks the garden and spends most time outdoors in good weather. He loves to comment that there’s not room for one more plant and when he sees me bringing in new ones is amazed that I manage to find a spot.
So the garden is mainly my domain and he gets to enjoy it without any extra sweat equity.
at home I get very little help from my wife, but every weed pulled is a good thing. She is full of appreciation for the garden. as for work, stop over to my blog if you have a moment.
Love your photos and the idea of raiding your “old” garden is cool. I have raided from home for work and work for home.